


what you see is the worst of me [and the last of my kind]

by onefootonego (startingXI)



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Gen, TW: Mentions of Self Harm, please heed the tags and read responsibly, tw: depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-06
Updated: 2017-04-06
Packaged: 2018-10-15 08:09:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10552976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/startingXI/pseuds/onefootonego
Summary: "i'm never enough." kara says finally, quietly.maggie's heart breaks, and kara keeps talking"and i, people die. people get hurt. good people. and the bad guys, they come here, they come to national city to look for me. to fight me. and doesn't that make me responsible for everyone who gets hurt? who dies? aren't they my fault?"





	

**Author's Note:**

> from the prompt: maggie knows something is off with kara, she knows she saw the green glow and the blood on kara's wrist, she knows she saw kara panic and hide the knife and she sees kara's wrist wounds heal themselves and the way kara quickly changes her demeanour and fakes a smile, she's a detective, she detects.
> 
> title from muddy waters by LP

maggie sees.

she recognizes. 

her own scars burn and maggie knows what she has to do. 

she knows she's got to go about this gently, gently. she knows the last thing she wants to do is spook kara. she knows what it's like to feel so out of control of everything, so desperate to feel something that the blade seems warm and familiar and like an old friend in your hands. 

maggie gets it. 

her own scars are a little faded now, but maggie remembers finding a spare box cutter blade in the drawer. she remembers peeling it free from the cardboard. she remembers the pain, 

the way she welcomed it. 

because god at least it was something other than the all consuming darkness. the suffocating weight of the nothing. 

maggie remembers, and maggie can only imagine what kara must be carrying. the weight of worlds on shoulders so strong, and yet maggie has seen kara quake, she has seen kara fractured. maggie is afraid what kara breaking, what kara broken might be - so maggie plans carefully.

she talks to alex first. 

she sits alex down one night and maggie says "i don't think kara's okay, and I think you see it to." 

for half a moment maggie is convinced that she's overstepped, that she's crossed some boundary and alex is going to tell her to back off. but instead, instead, alex's shoulder sag and she admits quietly "it's never been this bad before." 

"what hasn't, al?" maggie asks softly, reaching across the table and covering alex's hand with her own. 

for a moment alex struggles and she says "kara, her," she gestures, tries to find the words and then says "she's been through so much mags." her voice cracking "so much more than i think she can handle sometimes." alex looks up at maggie with tears in her eyes "i try to protect her, but i don't know if i can protect her from her past." 

maggie squeezes alex's hand, says gently, carefully "maybe it's not about protecting her from it, maybe it's about helping her find a way to cope." 

"her planet is gone mags." alex says, her voice hollow "i - her parents sent her away. her cousin abandoned her." alex swallows hard "she carries the weight of the world on her shoulders. she'd die for this planet in a heartbeat. she'd-" alex swallows, shakes her head, crying now, at a loss for words. 

maggie moves, standing so she can pull a sitting alex closer, so she can smooth a hand through alex's hair. so she can feel alex grip at her, clutch at her "she's got you." maggie reminds "and she's got me." she adds, taking a breath "i - i know what she's feeling." maggie says "some of it. and i - can i talk to her? would you mind?" 

alex shifts, a hand still on the small of maggie's back, looking up at her "you don't have to ask my permission." she says 

"i just," maggie swallows "would you mind if it was just me and her?" 

"i trust you." alex says firmly "with my life, and hers." 

maggie takes a deep breath and lets out a long sigh "thank you." 

alex stands up, leaning forward and pulling maggie into a soft kiss "i'm the one who should be thanking you." she murmurs "looking after me, looking after her." 

maggie swallows, she knows what words rise to her lips 

/i love you/ 

/you're my family/ 

/ride or die/ 

so she kisses them into alex's lips, holds her close, holds her soft. 

\-- 

maggie shows up three nights later. she's got pizza and potstickers and the worried text from alex, who got one from lena, and one from james. so she'd forward them to maggie, who knew pizza and potstickers could get her in the door. but it's her words, her past, that will have to do the rest. 

and really, maggie's right. 

kara calls softly "it's open." when maggie knocks, and maggie has memories of another danvers saying those words 

the apartment is dark when she walks in. the curtains pulled across, the balcony door firmly shut. the tv is off and it's warm, warm enough for maggie to slip out of her jacket at once, hang it carefully on a hook. 

"hi," kara says, starting to stand, starting to curl her long sleeve around her hands "sorry, i'll - do you need something to drink? oh, you brought food, that's nice. thanks, i -" 

"kara," maggie stops her gently and it must be her tone that sets kara so on edge - 

kara looks up at her with wide panicked eyes. 

"i'm going to tell you something, and we don't have to talk about it, not if you don't want to. but if you do, i'm here, okay?" 

kara gives that nervous laugh, touches the rim of her glasses, pulls harder at the sleeves of her shirt "okay, sure. what's up?"

"so, after my parents kicked me out," maggie starts "when i moved in with my aunt. everything felt so out of control, everything felt so dark, so intense. i'd lost everything. my family, all my friends. i was in nebraska, my aunt didn't really know how to handle me. i was so, so alone and," maggie pauses for a breath, gauging kara's reaction, the way she's frozen on the spot, the way she's not breathing. 

"and there would be weeks where i wouldn't feel anything." 

kara's hand tightens around the stool she's using for balance. 

"so i," maggie swallows, it's been so long since she's talked about this "so i would do things," she says "to make myself feel things." 

"like hurt yourself?" kara asks, her voice small and fragile and quaking. 

"yeah," maggie breaths "like hurt myself." 

"i just -" kara starts, stops, her eyes bright, her pain so clear in her voice and when she looks at maggie - 

maggie's breath catches, 

her heat stops, 

because she's seen pain written across people's faces. but the expression seems drawn from kara's very core, etched into her eyes "i'm never enough." kara says finally, quietly. 

maggie's heartbreaks. 

"and i, people die. people get hurt. good people. and the bad guys, they come here, they come to national city to look for me. to fight me. and doesn't that make me responsible for everyone who gets hurt? who dies? aren't they my fault?" 

"oh kara." maggie breathes because kara's are bright and pleading and maggie doesn't have an answer. not with her words anyway, all she can do is what she wishes someone could have done for her all those years ago. 

she takes a step closer, she reaches out for kara and stops short, she looks up, seeks permission before letting her hand circle around kara's wrist, before she puts her other hand on kara's shoulder and pulls kara into a hug. 

there's a moment where kara's stiff in maggie's arms. where she's tense and there's supergirl in the way her shoulders are stacked and maggie knows what it feels like to be barely hanging on, so she says, softly, softly 

"you're not responsible for everyone." she says "their blood isn't on your hands. it's on the people, the metas, the aliens who came to this city, our city, looking for trouble. and i know that you're supergirl, and i know that the city looks to you for so much. too much. but you can't carry it all." 

"but i'm supposed to." kara says, and it's the last words she gets out before her spine crumbles and she's sagging into maggie and god, for a girl who can't get shot, for a girl who could conceivable eat concrete for breakfast if she felt like it, 

kara weighs nothing. 

kara's light as maggie guides her to the couch, as maggie settles and pulls a sobbing, shaking kara into her arms. 

and maggie has to bite back her own tears because not now, not now, not now. 

[later.] 

right now is for kara, kara who is hyperventilating and who's got a bruising grip on maggie. and maybe maggie should say something, but kara spends her whole life holding back. holding back her strength, her past, her anger. maggie decides tonight's the night that kara doesn't have to hold back her pain. 

"not alone." maggie says, her hands running through kara's hair, down her back, thingy to find what calms her most "you don't have to do it alone." she says "i've lost my family too." maggie says "and i've lost people in the field." she swallows "it's not losing a planet and it's not losing your entire species, all that you feel, all the pieces you don't think you can show alex, show me or lena or james, you're allowed to feel them kara. and you're allowed to hurt." 

kara just cries harder, clings tighter and maggie carries on, 

"but you're not allowed to blame yourself for the people we've lost." maggie says "not all of them." she keeps going "i don't know everything that happened, but i do know that you, you kara zor-el, kara danvers, i know that you're good. and you're a hero. and being a hero is hard, and it's a dirty business. but no one tells you you're allowed to grieve and be angry and be frustrated. just not alone." 

maggie is speaking so low she barely hears her own words, but she knows kara. she knows the signs of kara getting overstimulated and she knows that this close, with kara's head pressed against maggie's chest, her words barely need to be spoken, barely need to be louder than a whisper. 

for a while maggie just strokes kara's hair, down her back. she feels kara's breathing steady over what could be hours or minutes, or somewhere in between. for a while kara cries softly and doesn't say anything at all, but maggie stays, maggie comforts, maggie protects. 

maggie feels kara shifting, recognizes the duck of her head as something alex has done and maggie knows the embarrassment welling in kara's throat, in her cheeks. maggie gets it, and she remembers her fingers coming under alex's chin and coaxing eye contact from her. 

she remember alex taking longer than kara to meet her gaze. 

"i mean it little danvers," maggie says seriously, softly, "you're never alone." 

kara swallows, she nods and takes a deep breath "if i -" she pauses "i took them from cadmus." 

and maggie knows what kara's talking about, she remembers the night - the night that caught maggie's attention. the night that magggie saw the green glow and the blood on kara's wrist. the night she saw kara panic and hide the knife. the night she saw kara's wrist wounds heal themselves and the night she watched kara throw up a mask so well crafted that it took alex a double take to realize that kara was practically shaken. 

"will you get rid of them?" kara asks, looking down, looking away. 

maggie finds kara's wrists, squeezes them gently "of course." she replies easily. 

"i -" kara swallows "part of me wants to give them to you, but" she pauses. 

"they make you feel something." maggie says "and if you give them to me, then what will make you feel?" she supplies. 

kara nods. 

"tell you what," maggie says "how about i take them, i'll get rid of them and when you feel like you want them. you tell me. you can just text me, or alex. okay? and i'll come, or she'll come, or we'll both come. and it's no questions asked. and we can go to the deo, or we can stay here and we'll help you through it." 

"i don't-" kara starts 

"you're not imposing. never." maggie says "alex and i already have something like it." 

"what do you guys do?" 

"we have a codeword." maggie says "so i can text alex and it means i'm not okay. and it means i need you. and alex knows that it means I'm going to be on the heavy bag for maybe a little bit too long. or that i'm going to be sitting on the couch in the dark in all my work clothes because i can't get in the shower. alex knows it means that maybe i won't be ready to talk, but i just needs her. or, if she's not in a good place, i need someone. james, you." 

and maggie sees kara put the pieces together. the time kara came over and kara held maggie's heavy bag for hours on end. just supporting, just making sure she didn't go just that side of too hard. changing maggie's wraps with careful fingers. 

"it can be like that?" kara asks and maggie nods. 

"it can be like that, we'll come, no questions asked." maggie tells her "not until you're ready to talk about it. like we did tonight." 

"you talked." kara says quietly "i cried." 

"crying is never a bad thing." maggie says "it's good to get it out." 

"it just makes me feel tired." kara says, then pauses, swallowing "i - i'm going to get them." she says.

them the blades. 

"do you think alex will come over?" 

maggie is already pulling out her phone "i think she will." 

no need to say that alex has probably had her phone on loud all night, just in case, just in case. 

but alex's instantaneous reply of /on my way/ goes unnoticed because kara's digging in a closet and maggie is leaning in the doorway and kara is turning with wide eyes and the glowing green of krpytonite laced blades in her hands. 

hands that shake as she gives them to maggie. 

hands that clench into fists once they're gone. 

maggie has the blades in one hand, and finds kara's with the other, pulling her close and pressing a kiss to her temple "i'm so proud of you." she says, guiding kara back out to the living room.

the blades get tucked away in maggie's folded jacket just as alex is coming through the door. her eyes are deep and dark with concern and kara seems to melt into her embrace almost at once, crying. sobbing and she's speaking but maggie doesn't quite catch what shes's saying. 

but alex does. 

and alex is crying, and reaching for maggie with one hand, and holding kara up with the other and this, 

maggie thinks, 

this is her family. 

hers to love, to cherish, to protect. to help through even the darkest of hours. 

like they would do, will do, for her.

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to come shout at me on my tumblr @onefootone


End file.
